There’s a whole new group of “gladiators,” but their online bios leave a lot to the imagination. No mention of the various community colleges they attended, no listing of interests or pet peeves, not even a documentation of their favorite colors. So here’s a quick, poorly researched rundown of YOUR American Gladiators….

TITAN 

Real Name: Mike O’Hearn

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 251 lbs

Reminds me of: Lattimer from The Program… I wonder how he celebrated making the show

Favorite moment on Friends: When Chandler and Joey got free porn

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: The discovery during a routine physical that he urinates pure human growth hormone 

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CRUSH 

Real Name: Gina Carano

Statistics: 5′ 8″, 141 lbs

Reminds me of: The Pink Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers… not because of her looks, but because she’s the hottest female on a show I shouldn’t be watching

Favorite moment on Friends: Every scene where Monica is fat

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: The discovery that she doesn’t appear in any movies that play on Cinemax at 1 a.m. 

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JUSTICE 

Real Name: Justice Smith

Statistics: 6′ 8″, 290 lbs (6′ 2″ with his head shaved)

Reminds me of: The shower scene in the opening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Favorite moment on Friends: When Marcel grabs Ross’ finger (AWWWWWW)

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: His real name is Justine… he was just trying to be cool  

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HELLGA 

Real Name: Robin Coleman

Statistics: 6′ 1″, 205 lbs

Reminds me of: Every woman that strikes up a conversation with me at Ms. Newby’s

Favorite moment on Friends: Phoebe’s “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” joke

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, she will be persuaded to drop “Hell” from her name and just be called “Ga”  

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MILITIA 

Real Name: Alex Castro

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 220 lbs

Reminds me of: The second amendment

Favorite moment on Friends: Whenever Hootie and the Blowfish is playing in the background

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Corked Joust stick  

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SIREN 

Real Name: Valerie Waugaman

Statistics: 5′ 9″, 145 lbs

Reminds me of: The girls who hung out in the Mosley dirt parking lot and smoked during second period (when I was in high school obviously… I don’t hang out in those parking lots anymore)

Favorite moment on Friends: When the gang poked Ugly Naked Guy with a stick

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Scheduling conflicts during her two month-long run as Jeopardy! champion  

. MAYHEM 

Real Name: Romeo Williams

Statistics: 6′ 5.5″, 230 lbs

Reminds me of: Every defensive back for the Jacksonville Jaguars

Favorite moment on Friends: That time when Chandler got drunk at the Christmas party, and had sex with one of Joey’s sisters, but he couldn’t remember which one, so he had to try to guess which one it was without Joey finding out he didn’t know, but he didn’t, that was awesome

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: When Hulk Hogan overhears him talking about how bad Suburban Commando sucked  

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FURY 

Real Name: Jaime Kovac

Statistics: 5′ 7.5″, 148 lbs

Reminds me of: Will Arnett in drag

Favorite moment on Friends: Every time Janice laughs

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Paternity test shows that she’s the real father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby  

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TOA 

Real Name: Tanoai Reed

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 240 lbs

Reminds me of: Someone with a background in musical theatre

Favorite moment on Friends: When Dr. Drake Remora falls down the elevator shaft

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Actually an illegal immigrant… from Canada  

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STEALTH 

Real Name: Tanji Johnson

Statistics: 5′ 2.5″, 123 lbs

Reminds me of: Don Cheadle in drag

Favorite moment on Friends: When the gang makes the bet about who can go the longest without… oh wait, that was Seinfeld

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Actually Don Cheadle in drag  

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WOLF 

Real Name: Don Yates

Statistics: 6′ 4″, 225 lbs

Reminds me of: Guy Fawkes

Favorite moment on Friends: When Ross and Rachel WERE ON A BREAK

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Voted off show by other gladiators for refusing to shower for six episodes  

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VENOM 

Real Name: Beth Horn

Statistics: 5′ 8″, 142 lbs

Reminds me of: Your mom

Favorite moment on Friends: None… she was more of a fan of Mad About You

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Career-ending injury from playing too much Guitar Hero III

Post from: The Blueprint

Meanwhile, Canada totally has it right. Check out this fun PSA that has aired during Hockey Night in Canada this season (according to Deadspin):

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Yeah. That just happened. I am officially never working in a restaurant ever again.

Maybe it’s not too late for me to get that welding certificate that I’ve had my eye on….

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Um… never mind.

Post from: The Blueprint

Drew Carey made an appearance in the booth on Monday Night Football a couple weeks ago, and until I saw him I had forgotten that the new season of The Price is Right had already begun, the first season without Bob Barker at the microphone.

When Bob Barker announced his retirement and rumors were swirling about his replacement, I immediately reasoned that Vince Vaughn would be perfect for the job. He’s tall and smarmy, he’d be great with the older ladies, and the show would keep that unspoken sexual tension between the host and the models. Vince would probably have to give up making movies, but I would always take fifty years of game show host checks over having my name appear in the opening credits of Fred Claus.

Of course, by the time Drew Carey was announced, I was just thankful that Rosie O’Donnell wasn’t picked.

So now that Drew has had a couple shows to get into the groove, I decided to watch for the first time and see how he’s doing.

• I’m watching the November 21st episode online, so I’m missing out on all the Fixodent and Depends commercials. Shame.
• “Here it comes!” announces Announcer Guy Who Isn’t Rod Roddy. This new guy took over the announcing job four years ago, and I still have no rapport with him. I don’t even know his name.
• Today’s first four contestants: Nicole, an attractive young female whose last name I can’t spell (or else I would look her up on MySpace); Dasche, a college student who will probably sell whatever prizes he wins for weed money; Robert, a large Hispanic man with a T-shirt that says Drew Crew; and Alma, a middle-aged housewife who runs down the aisle flapping her arms above her head in a fit of joy. Basically, your average Price is Right contestants.
• Robert, while bidding second, gets on stage after Dasche and Nicole decide to both bid a combined $209 less than him. For his good fortune of bidding ahead of morons, he wins three cars on “Triple Play,” with a combined value of $60,000. In other news, the guy who won an $8,000 Buick Skyhawk on this show 20 years ago just closed his garage door and started his engine.
• Alma is so excited to get on stage, she starts jumping up and down, and Drew starts jumping with her. Drew then breaks out, “Go Alma… it’s your birthday.” I could’ve done without hearing that phrase ever again in my lifetime.
• After 50 years of watching the Big Wheel spin, Bob Barker developed an innate ability of knowing where the wheel would stop before it actually stopped. He could actually start consoling you for going over a dollar in mid-spin. Drew Carey doesn’t have this ability yet, and unfortunately it probably won’t come to him until around 2027.
• George is a new contestant, and he’s wearing a Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt, which Drew points out. Somehow George is not able to reply “42-30,” unlike EVERY OTHER GEORGIA FAN I KNOW.
• Nanette, a middle-aged black woman, makes it to the stage for “Barker’s Bargain Bar,” which I’m guessing is keeping the name for alliterative purposes. Nanette picks the $2400 shaved ice maker as the bigger bargain than the $2500 pinball machine. After the real price of the pinball machine is shown ($4500… a difference of $2000), someone in the audience yells, “YOU CAN DO IT!” As if the real price of the shaved ice maker is something Nanette can alter with her mind.
• And Drew psyches Nanette out by saying the price of the shaved ice maker in his excited “Hey! You won!” voice before realizing that he should have used his, “You’re a failure” voice.  I guess Nanette couldn’t do it after all.
• Let’s pause to learn a few fun things about Rich Fields, the Announcer Guy Who Isn’t Rod Roddy. He’s a University of Florida alum, which immediately makes him more awesome. According to Rich’s Wikipedia page, Ryan Seacrest said that he is ”the glue that holds [The Price is Right] together. His voice makes me feel safe. He is the unsung hero of the show.”
• Jean, who I can only describe as a California grandmother, decided that morning that it would be a good idea to wear heels to The Price is Right. Heels and The Price is Right don’t go together at all… you have to run to the front of the stage, you have to spin the Big Wheel, you may be called upon to putt. Heels just don’t help any of this. Bad call, Jean.
• Marcia is the last contestant to get her name called today. She looks like my mom looked in her early 40’s, and she’s wearing a T-shirt that says DREW ME. I’m a little scared, and Drew probably is too.
• The Georgia Bulldog fan is the last one on the stage, and gets to play Cliff Hangers! Uh-oh, Drew is calling the mountain climber guy “Hans” now. He’s not supposed to have a name… now I have to feel bad when he falls to his grisly death.

Check out the awesome fashion sense of Georgia fans.

• “Hans” gets nowhere near close to the top though, and Georgia Fan wins a trip to Montreal. Hopefully he’ll take Knowshon Moreno with him, and they will both lose their passports.
• Alma and Nanette are the participants in the Showcase Showdown (which is also a good band name). When Alma sees that her showcase includes a new ski boat, Alma pleads, “You gotta help me, Drew!” I guess Rich Fields’ voice isn’t exactly making her feel so safe, huh?
• Drew is no help though, and Nanette wins $20,000 worth of stuff. I knew she could do it. All she needed was some random audience encouragement.
• Drew reminds us to help control the pet population, and have our pets spayed or neutered. Well that’s original.

Overall, I have to say that Drew is doing a good job. I still think that Vince Vaughn would’ve done a lights out job on the show, and I would’ve looked forward to the shows where he would have hosted while hungover.

I did realize something while watching this show without Bob Barker for the first time: the show isn’t really about the host, it’s about the morons in the audience. I guess there’s something comforting about good things happening to dumb people.

Post from: The Blueprint