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I hate this cow

July 21st, 2008, 4:47 pm by Joe Grimes

I made my second trip to Turner Field this season on Saturday to watch the Braves score two runs against the Washington Nationals. It was my first trip since this bovine eyesore had been planted in left field, and let me just say, this cow annoys the ever-loving hell out of me.

The cow has an animatronic arm that does the Tomahawk Chop whenever the war chant is played over the speakers. Only problem is… well, not the only problem… is that the cow’s arm is too slow to stay in rhythm with the chop.

This is unacceptable… I demand that my animatronic animals have rhythm. That’s why Turner Field needs to get rid of the Chik-Fil-A cow and replace it with the Rock-a-fire Explosion from Chuck E. Cheese.

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Wes Welker reacts to the NewsHerald.com redesign

May 21st, 2008, 5:37 pm by Joe Grimes

What if… the Cloverfield monster attacked Panama City?

January 16th, 2008, 10:26 pm by Joe Grimes

After months of anticipation, Cloverfield finally hits theaters this Friday. Personally, I can’t wait to see the most gruesome violation of the Statue of Liberty since Ghostbusters II.

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After it was finally revealed that Cloverfield is a spectator’s eye view of a monster attack on New York City, several questions naturally popped into my head. What if something like this happened in a smaller town, like, say… I don’t know… Panama City?

What would be our city’s reaction to a gigantic monster taking out all those brand new condos?

Does Tyndall actually have a contingency plan in case a gigantic monster attacks our fair city?

Just how much worse could the traffic on Highway 231 get?

Would I have to come to work?

(Since Cloverfield had some advanced screenings, some viewers were able to depict what the Cloverfield monster looks like. So naturally I had to Photoshop it attacking the Hathaway Bridge. Well, either attacking or dry-humping.)

(And here’s the Cloverfield monster witnessing Barry Bonds’ historic 756th home run. You can see his claws touching the left field grass, which is clearly fan interference, meaning that home run totally shouldn’t have counted. And the six homers he hit after that… those shouldn’t count either until we figure this out.)

(And here’s the Cloverfield monster crashing a kid’s birthday party. He just came for the cake, he didn’t even bring a present. That’s just rude. Someone should totally say something.)

Your guide to the new American Gladiators

December 29th, 2007, 8:00 am by Joe Grimes

This weekend, of course, marks the end of the NFL regular season, and NBC refuses to miss a beat, replacing Sunday Night Football with the comeback of American Gladiators. Sadly, Al Michaels and John Madden won’t be in the booth… I was looking forward to Madden circling the rim of a Power Ball scoring pod on the telestrator while muttering, “You see, he’s got to put the ball through there, so he can score points.”

There’s a whole new group of “gladiators,” but their online bios leave a lot to the imagination. No mention of the various community colleges they attended, no listing of interests or pet peeves, not even a documentation of their favorite colors. So here’s a quick, poorly researched rundown of YOUR American Gladiators….

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Walk it by yourself, Coach Saban

December 27th, 2007, 2:00 pm by Joe Grimes

Warning: This video contains naughty language. And older ladies doing their dance, doing their dance. In other words, it’s just like Shaggy Marlin after Happy Hour.

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It’s official… doing the Cupid Shuffle is easier than beating University of Louisiana-Monroe.

(Props to the fantastic blog Every Day Should Be Saturday for the video.)

Songs You Should Know: The worst mix tape of 2007

December 23rd, 2007, 8:00 am by Joe Grimes

When I was in college, a buddy of mine and I talked about starting a cover band called Songs You Should Know. We were going to only play songs that people don’t normally hear from cover bands, and any requests for Freebird or Sweet Home Alabama would be met with scorn and ridicule. Due to my lack of actual musical talent, the idea for Songs You Should Know has now been downgraded into an occasional blog post.

I can’t make a good mix tape/CD to save my life. There will always be at least two songs that I think are good, and then weeks later will begin to hate from repetitive listening. The mix will have a good rock flow, and then all of a sudden detour into a novelty song. I will occasionally add rap where rap does not belong.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t try. So here’s the mix of my favorite songs that I listened to way too much in 2007. Feel free to download the songs on iTunes and burn your own CD that you will grow to hate by February 2008.

“When You Were Young” - The Killers: Hey look, it’s a song that you probably actually know! Originally I wasn’t very big on The Killers because of “Somebody Told Me,” which was probably the worst debut song for a decent band ever. This is a Killers song that I actually really like, along with “Read My Mind” and “All the Things That I Have Done.” But only one song per band goes on a mix tape. Them’s the rules.

“Wolf Like Me” - TV on the Radio: Some of these songs have a common theme… a leitmotif, if you will… they are lots of fun to listen to while speeding on the Hathaway Bridge. This is one of those songs.

(Not that I actually speed over the Hathaway Bridge. It’s a hypothetical, clearly.)

“The State of Massachusetts” - Dropkick Murphys: You probably know about the Dropkick Murphys now, thanks to The Departed, the Boston Red Sox and “I’m Shipping Up To Boston,” the song threatening to overtake “Are You Gonna Go My Way” as the most overplayed song ever sometime next August. But I’ll be damaged if they don’t still make awesome music, and not even Jonathan Papelbon can change that.

“Big Casino” - Jimmy Eat World: Yes, that Jimmy Eat World. They’re still alive.

“Future Foe Scenarios” - Silversun Pickups: Before I saw this video, I would’ve bet folding money that the lead singer was female. Perry Farrell from Porno for Pyros thinks that lead singer sounds feminine.

“Inner City Pressure” - Flight of the Conchords: This year’s novelty song that screws the entire list up. What can I say… I like Pet Shop Boy parodies.

(Oh, and Flight of the Conchords on HBO was the best new television series this year. No question.)

“Fake Empire” - The National: I discovered The National via Paul Shirley’s MySpace page. That’s right, kids… a 6′11″ white guy playing pro basketball in Spain is a better conduit to new bands than local radio.

“Shatterproof” - Franky Lee: Because every bad mix CD needs a band from Sweden, right? (I’m a little upset that I couldn’t find this song on YouTube. Maybe one of the emo kids that work the concessions at the Grand Theatre can throw a video together real quick. Get on it.)

“Stuck Between Stations” - The Hold Steady: My favorite CD of 2007 was Boys and Girls in America, and The Hold Steady were my favorite new band (to me at least). I also like the fact that I am more attractive than at least 80% of the band (that’s what mom says).

“Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart” - Against Me!: My favorite song from 2007. Good job on the video, emo kids. Now get a haircut.

RUNMICHAELRUNMICHAELRUN

December 18th, 2007, 12:02 am by Joe Grimes

Say hello to Michael Spurlock. He is officially awesome for the rest of his life*.

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The first voice you heard there was Matt Vasgerian, who did the play-by-play for FOX. I have a question for Matt… “Santa Maria?” Is she the patron saint of kickoff returns for touchdowns or something?

(I didn’t care about this at the time. I was too busy doing celebratory laps around my friend J.P.’s living room to hear anything Vasgerian said.)

If you wanted a great call that actually makes some lick of sense, the Buccaneer Radio Network’s Gene Deckerhoff was your guy. We listened to the radio call during the halftime recap, and naturally I cracked up during Gene’s cries of “RUNMICHAELRUNMICHAELRUNMICHAELRUN!!!” It’s his best call since Matt Bryant’s game-winning 62-yard field goal against the Eagles last year, when he exclaimed, “MATT BRYANT… IS MY HERO!”

Props to Michael Spurlock for running back the first-ever kickoff return for a touchdown in Tampa Bay Buccaneers history. And shame on the Atlanta Falcons interim head coach for trying to challenge the play (whether or not he stepped out of bounds. A class act like Bobby Petrino wouldn’t have done that.

* Until he gets indicted on federal dogfighting charges.

The best public service announcements ever

November 30th, 2007, 5:33 pm by Joe Grimes

PSAs here in the states are pretty bland. Some rando from Friday Night Lights telling me that I shouldn’t beat my kids? That’s easy to disregard.

Meanwhile, Canada totally has it right. Check out this fun PSA that has aired during Hockey Night in Canada this season (according to Deadspin):

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Yeah. That just happened. I am officially never working in a restaurant ever again.

Maybe it’s not too late for me to get that welding certificate that I’ve had my eye on….

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Um… never mind.

Songs You Should Know: The best of Guitar Hero III

November 27th, 2007, 5:52 pm by Joe Grimes

When I was in college, a buddy of mine and I talked about starting a cover band called Songs You Should Know. We were going to only play songs that people don’t normally hear from cover bands, and any requests for Freebird or Sweet Home Alabama would be met with scorn and ridicule. Due to my lack of actual musical talent, the idea for Songs You Should Know has now been downgraded into an occasional blog post.

All of the below songs make an appearance in Guitar Hero III, the first video game I have purchased since NCAA Football 2001 for the original Playstation. I was very impressed with myself when I got five stars on “Raining Blood” by Slayer on the easy level… every time I watch one of the below videos, that sense of accomplishment diminishes a little bit more.
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Is Drew Carey right for The Price is Right?

November 23rd, 2007, 4:20 pm by Joe Grimes

Drew Carey made an appearance in the booth on Monday Night Football a couple weeks ago, and until I saw him I had forgotten that the new season of The Price is Right had already begun, the first season without Bob Barker at the microphone.

When Bob Barker announced his retirement and rumors were swirling about his replacement, I immediately reasoned that Vince Vaughn would be perfect for the job. He’s tall and smarmy, he’d be great with the older ladies, and the show would keep that unspoken sexual tension between the host and the models. Vince would probably have to give up making movies, but I would always take fifty years of game show host checks over having my name appear in the opening credits of Fred Claus.

Of course, by the time Drew Carey was announced, I was just thankful that Rosie O’Donnell wasn’t picked.

So now that Drew has had a couple shows to get into the groove, I decided to watch for the first time and see how he’s doing.

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