This weekend, of course, marks the end of the NFL regular season, and NBC refuses to miss a beat, replacing Sunday Night Football with the comeback of American Gladiators. Sadly, Al Michaels and John Madden won’t be in the booth… I was looking forward to Madden circling the rim of a Power Ball scoring pod on the telestrator while muttering, “You see, he’s got to put the ball through there, so he can score points.”

There’s a whole new group of “gladiators,” but their online bios leave a lot to the imagination. No mention of the various community colleges they attended, no listing of interests or pet peeves, not even a documentation of their favorite colors. So here’s a quick, poorly researched rundown of YOUR American Gladiators….

TITAN 

Real Name: Mike O’Hearn

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 251 lbs

Reminds me of: Lattimer from The Program… I wonder how he celebrated making the show

Favorite moment on Friends: When Chandler and Joey got free porn

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: The discovery during a routine physical that he urinates pure human growth hormone 

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CRUSH 

Real Name: Gina Carano

Statistics: 5′ 8″, 141 lbs

Reminds me of: The Pink Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers… not because of her looks, but because she’s the hottest female on a show I shouldn’t be watching

Favorite moment on Friends: Every scene where Monica is fat

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: The discovery that she doesn’t appear in any movies that play on Cinemax at 1 a.m. 

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JUSTICE 

Real Name: Justice Smith

Statistics: 6′ 8″, 290 lbs (6′ 2″ with his head shaved)

Reminds me of: The shower scene in the opening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Favorite moment on Friends: When Marcel grabs Ross’ finger (AWWWWWW)

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: His real name is Justine… he was just trying to be cool  

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HELLGA 

Real Name: Robin Coleman

Statistics: 6′ 1″, 205 lbs

Reminds me of: Every woman that strikes up a conversation with me at Ms. Newby’s

Favorite moment on Friends: Phoebe’s “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” joke

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, she will be persuaded to drop “Hell” from her name and just be called “Ga”  

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MILITIA 

Real Name: Alex Castro

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 220 lbs

Reminds me of: The second amendment

Favorite moment on Friends: Whenever Hootie and the Blowfish is playing in the background

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Corked Joust stick  

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SIREN 

Real Name: Valerie Waugaman

Statistics: 5′ 9″, 145 lbs

Reminds me of: The girls who hung out in the Mosley dirt parking lot and smoked during second period (when I was in high school obviously… I don’t hang out in those parking lots anymore)

Favorite moment on Friends: When the gang poked Ugly Naked Guy with a stick

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Scheduling conflicts during her two month-long run as Jeopardy! champion  

. MAYHEM 

Real Name: Romeo Williams

Statistics: 6′ 5.5″, 230 lbs

Reminds me of: Every defensive back for the Jacksonville Jaguars

Favorite moment on Friends: That time when Chandler got drunk at the Christmas party, and had sex with one of Joey’s sisters, but he couldn’t remember which one, so he had to try to guess which one it was without Joey finding out he didn’t know, but he didn’t, that was awesome

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: When Hulk Hogan overhears him talking about how bad Suburban Commando sucked  

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FURY 

Real Name: Jaime Kovac

Statistics: 5′ 7.5″, 148 lbs

Reminds me of: Will Arnett in drag

Favorite moment on Friends: Every time Janice laughs

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Paternity test shows that she’s the real father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby  

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TOA 

Real Name: Tanoai Reed

Statistics: 6′ 3″, 240 lbs

Reminds me of: Someone with a background in musical theatre

Favorite moment on Friends: When Dr. Drake Remora falls down the elevator shaft

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Actually an illegal immigrant… from Canada  

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STEALTH 

Real Name: Tanji Johnson

Statistics: 5′ 2.5″, 123 lbs

Reminds me of: Don Cheadle in drag

Favorite moment on Friends: When the gang makes the bet about who can go the longest without… oh wait, that was Seinfeld

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Actually Don Cheadle in drag  

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WOLF 

Real Name: Don Yates

Statistics: 6′ 4″, 225 lbs

Reminds me of: Guy Fawkes

Favorite moment on Friends: When Ross and Rachel WERE ON A BREAK

Potential scandal that will get him kicked off the show: Voted off show by other gladiators for refusing to shower for six episodes  

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VENOM 

Real Name: Beth Horn

Statistics: 5′ 8″, 142 lbs

Reminds me of: Your mom

Favorite moment on Friends: None… she was more of a fan of Mad About You

Potential scandal that will get her kicked off the show: Career-ending injury from playing too much Guitar Hero III

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